synopsis

Tis the season for me to freak out.

Mom has been calling NON STOP. First she is sad because she's fighting with Jimmy. Then she's depressed because she isn't spending Christmas in her house for the first time in 42 years. Then she's mad because she was "left out" of my Birthday plans with my father.

This put me over the edge. Not once in five years has she wanted to visit me in the city on my birthday. The few times she has made plans to see me, she has cancelled because it was too cold, or she was having personal problems and just couldn't bear the 80 minute trek to nyc. I yelled and cursed and didn't feel bad. I'm tired of feeling bad for her. I hold back my own feelings to protect her, but I am starting to think that it has been hurting her more than helping. From now on, it's brutal honesty. If she doesn't like it, then maybe she'll have some motivation to change it.

Other than the issues with my mother, life is pretty damn good. I just spent 5 days in Miami with Ray, Merrill, Victor, Rachel and Nick. Definitely the best five days ever. I had so much fun. I forgot about my problems for a long weekend and just enjoyed the sunshine and laughter. I have to admit though, I was feeling like a bit of a fatty. My friends are both so beautiful, sometimes I think I can't even compare. In my head, I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help but feel self-concious when sitting on the beach next to them. Still, I really enjoyed their company.

School is going very well. I feel like I'm making a lot of progress with the students. Yesterday I brought in homemade chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies as a reward for putting up with the nauseating amount of testing that they're being put through. They loved it. They were begging for more and raving that these were the "best cookies I've ever had!" So cute.

Today I am spending the day at the Pallisades Mall with Jimmy and Lauren. It should be a nice time. I'll get lots of xmas shopping done and get to celebrate my birthday with my brother. He originally was supposed to come down on the 20th, but he has to go to an engagement party that night. (who the fuck is getting engaged?!)

I have to admit... the idea of getting married is seeming less and less frightening. Maybe one day.

when did i get so old?

I've been fighting off a nasty cold for about a week and 1/2 now. Whenever I have a moment to rest, it gets the best of me and I crash. I spent pretty much my whole weekend sniffin nose spray and chillin on sudafed. I had off yesterday, and had every intention of going to the gym and trying to get some sort of routine going, but no, my cold won again. I slept pretty much all day. Then today, because of my excessive sleeping, my lower back is a sorts of tight and painful. The only way my lower back feels good is if I am sitting up indian style... which would be great if my left knee actually bent. O.L.D.

I'm feeling much better about Ray and I this past week. He spent a couple of hours comforting me a few nights ago when we both know he has a lot of work that he should have been doing for Miami. It's been really hard to deal with what has been going on with my family. I'm so sick of dealing with them all. I'm tired of being bombarded with neurotic negativity everytime my phone rings. Seriously, every single time my phone rings, I feel nothing but anxiety and resentment. A good day ruined by a single reminder of the reality of my family. This anxiety and sour mood has been spilling over into my work life. I'm just so tired and worn down and feeling like no one has my back. Well, in theory they do, but in reality, their hands are just as tied as mine. You can't choose the students you teach, but you can choose to approach each day with a positive attitude. Some days it's just harder than others.

When I'm sitting alone in a laundromat, I find myself thinking "Is this what I am?"

I've been feeling like the only thing I am good for is laundry, dinner, paying bills and cleaning. I wish I was with someone who had the time to pay attention to me. I am getting tired of coming home, doing MORE work, doing work around the apartment, making dinner and falling asleep alone. Or worse, falling asleep on the couch due to the lack of intellectual stimulation.

I'm reading a book called "the years of abandonment" It's strange how much this book speaks to me. Although I am in a relationship, and he has not left me, I see myself in Olga - the internal rage and resentment she feels towards her unfaithful husband. Her need to stop and think about all that she does, even the things that seem routine. Maybe this is how most women feel while going through a traumatic situation. My things that have gone on in my family have made me believe that love does not really exist - at least not in the way I want it to. Sometimes I feel like I will never enjoy the things in life that a woman always dreams of enjoying. The idea of marriage and children makes me cringe. Yet, the thought that Ray would actually think of ME as the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with is comforting and exciting. It sets that spark inside of me - maybe love isn't dead?

Then I think of folding laundry, cleaning, cooking, paying bills night after unsatisfying night for the rest of my life - what is the point? Is this what I want for myself? Do I want to spend the rest of my life as a full time working house-girlfriend? Is my time not so valuable?

It's almost 6:30 and I should get the laundry folded and start dinner. ugh.

I just voted for Obama. It felt good. There wasn't a line (thank god for getting out of work at 2:30) There was a line this morning - glad I put it off!

coach

Today was my 3rd or 4th Basketball practice with my girls. They really gave it their all and made me proud. A lot of them are overweight / out of shape, but they really tried their best. Alexis is a girl who is about 5'11" and around 300 - 350. She is bigger than the largest teacher at our school, but is such a gentle giant. She's been coming to every workout and has been giving 110%. Today she told me that her godmother commented that she has noticed a difference in Alexis's weight since she has started. In two weeks she has lost 12 pounds!! It feels good to feel like I'm really changing the way she sees herself. She is just so proud of being able to keep up with all of the "skinny" girls. I hope she keeps it up!

This week is going to be crazy busy. Basketball today (I'm so exhausted I can't even get up right now). Tutoring tomorrow until 6. Then tutoring on Wednesday until 5. The band concert on Thursday and Halloween on Friday. Ugh. I'm tired just thinking about it!

hair cut

So, I got a haircut on friday. Afterwards, I met up with Merrill, Victor and Ray to get the best oysters I have ever eaten for dinner. Marlow & Sons is now my favorite brooklyn eatery. Hands down. Anyway, this is my new haircut:

It's much shorter than I had intended on getting it cut, but I really like it. It feels much more natural to me. I've been trying to grow my hair and try all of these chic hairstyles... they just weren't working. chop that shit off.

The weekend was really nice and relaxing. Went to Ray's parents on Saturday, where I ate way too much (as usual). Ray's mom just doesn't know how to make something without frying it. Seriously... there was fried chicken IN the fucking pasta sauce. That is impressive. Needless to say, I went home with a major belly ache that night. My tummy hurt so bad that I didn't even get to go to Eliz's birthday party. dammit.

This week is the beginning of a crazy life for me. I'll be tutoring Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for the next six weeks, while coaching basketball on Mondays and Fridays. Dang. The fat pay check will be worth it all, I know.

why do i spend so much of my time doing things for others? Why does my schedule revolve around someone else instead of myself? Why can't I just put my foot down and say fuck you. I deserve to do things how I want to do them. I have that right. I have the right to spend my time how I wish to spend it. Fuck waiting on everyone else. Seriously, fuck it. It gets me nowhere.

Autumn

We spent our weekend in Hudson, NY, house-sitting for my sister who was shooting a wedding in Buffalo. It was really nice to get away for a few nights. Ray and I got to spend some quality time together that we've so desperately been needing.

Things are looking up, I think.

why do people tell me these things?

First, a few students tell me about another one of my students (who happens to be a co-worker's daughter) doing things with a boy on video. She's 12. I am praying that this is just a rumor that these kids are spreading, rather than the truth. When I was 12, I didn't even know what half of this stuff WAS! Blow job? Do you blow on it? Why would someone like that?

Later that evening, my mom calls me to tell me that Dad has a girlfriend. Mind you, they're separated, and mom is actively looking for someone else on the internet (gross). She expected me to feel sorry for her, or to be outraged, when frankly, I'm just not. It's weird that he has a girlfriend, but whatever. He's not rubbing it in my face, or anyone's for that matter, so why does she feel the need to throw it at me? Don't put me in the middle of things. She's an adult, and I am her daughter, NOT her friend. She needs to grow up and deal with it.

dia con padre

Dad came to the city today to celebrate my graduation. We met up at Grand Central around 12:30 and went down to soho for some shopping. I bought some new work shoes and a new work outfit. We got bored of shopping and headed back to brooklyn to do some bowling. We went to GUTTER, a new bowling bar in north williamsburg. Dad bowled a 217!! what the hell?!

All in all, today was exactly what I needed. We got to finally spend some quality time together. It felt like I had my dad back. After all of the shit that has been going on, we've turned over a new leaf. He's being honest and open with me about everything that has happened in the past few years. It's making it a lot easier to deal with.

This weekend has been one of the best I've had in a while. Hiking with Ray yesterday, and spending time with dad today. Who could ask for a better weekend?

cha cha changes

I am changing the purpose of this blog. Instead of updating my non-existant readers about my day to day life, I am going to be using it to record my thoughts and feelings about the world around me. I think maybe then I will post more often? Maybe not. But it's worth a shot, right? Right.

The situation with my parents (my make believe readers, my parents sold their house for a lot less than they could have gotten for it, and are living in separate apartments) has made me really cynical about marriage and love. I know that I am in a great relationship and that Ray loves me unconditionally. I KNOW this. Still, when friends of mine tell me about their engagements and weddings and children, I can't help but think "why the hell are you happy about this? What is the point of getting married?" Why does everyone want to rush into such a doomed government ordained institution? WHY? Is it because you love someone? Are you afraid that if you don't say "I do", he'll find someone better? Or even worse, that YOU'LL find someone better?? I just have a hard time believing in it all. How can you be so sure that you are meant to be with someone for the rest of your life, and just let it all go to hell? How can you give up on someone you are supposed to love? I guess it's not so much the idea of marriage, but the bright eyed blushing bride that thinks that marriage is just a wedding and that they'll live happily ever after. I think I'm afraid that I'll get married and he'll give up on me the way my parents gave up on each other a long time before they even separated. If that's the case, then what's the point?

I've spent a lot more time this past month thinking about myself and not thinking about my family. I joined weightwatchers and lost 12 pounds in a month. I haven't been able to exercise because of my knee, which I still havent gotten an MRI of. Maybe I haven't really been taking great care of myself after all? Still 12 pounds is pretty significant.