When I'm sitting alone in a laundromat, I find myself thinking "Is this what I am?"
I've been feeling like the only thing I am good for is laundry, dinner, paying bills and cleaning. I wish I was with someone who had the time to pay attention to me. I am getting tired of coming home, doing MORE work, doing work around the apartment, making dinner and falling asleep alone. Or worse, falling asleep on the couch due to the lack of intellectual stimulation.
I'm reading a book called "the years of abandonment" It's strange how much this book speaks to me. Although I am in a relationship, and he has not left me, I see myself in Olga - the internal rage and resentment she feels towards her unfaithful husband. Her need to stop and think about all that she does, even the things that seem routine. Maybe this is how most women feel while going through a traumatic situation. My things that have gone on in my family have made me believe that love does not really exist - at least not in the way I want it to. Sometimes I feel like I will never enjoy the things in life that a woman always dreams of enjoying. The idea of marriage and children makes me cringe. Yet, the thought that Ray would actually think of ME as the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with is comforting and exciting. It sets that spark inside of me - maybe love isn't dead?
Then I think of folding laundry, cleaning, cooking, paying bills night after unsatisfying night for the rest of my life - what is the point? Is this what I want for myself? Do I want to spend the rest of my life as a full time working house-girlfriend? Is my time not so valuable?
It's almost 6:30 and I should get the laundry folded and start dinner. ugh.