I've been really trying to focus on the positive... REALLY REALLY. But, somehow, things get blurred and all I see is the dark spots in my life.

Monday, I had a total break down after dropping a piping hot batch of cupcakes all over the floor and burning my hand pretty badly. I cried for about an hour and completely destroyed my room looking for neosporin.

I get to the point that I am boiling over and the littlest thing can set it off. Like failing to make cupcakes for a little girl that so deserves everything (and has nothing). There has also been this crazy tension between Ray and I. It feels like he is jealous that I have time to spend the weekend with my aunt and cousins in long island, going to the beach and drinking wine. While I'm upset that I am at most second on the list whenever he has an art show coming up, which is more than 3 times a year. I am very supportive, but it's getting excessive and I'm starting to wonder if this is the life that I want for myself. Do I want to be with someone that is so concentrated on himself that he has no time or thought left for me? Granted, this is not an all the time thing... only about two thirds.

I think that Ray might be wondering if this relationship is really what he wants. He's been communicating with Johanna via facebook. He seems to only do this when things aren't great between us. It's as though he is seeking a kind of approval from her, that he is awesome and that she fucked up when she cheated on him (all 1000 times, dirtbag). This may not be the case... I might be giving Ray a little too much credit here (if he doesnt have time to think about me and our relationship, I doubt he has enough time to actualy think about his motives for contacting her). It's not as though I believe that Ray will cheat on me... I just think that if things were great between us, that he wouldn't want to even contact her. I would be giving him all that he needs as his girlfriend.

you know what... fuck that. I do give him all that he needs and MORE. fuck that.

It's been eating away at me... and he won't give me a minute to even talk about it. We've made and broken more sex dates than I can count. It's getting ridiculous.

Anyway, the other thing that really made me break down the other day is the feeling that I am not where I should be financially. It's really no wonder with the parents that I have that I have problems with money and trust... seriously, yikes! I am slowly... very slowly... paying off my credit cards, but still so so so broke! I almost had to put things back at the grocery store today! haha.. I used to get so embarassed when that would happen to my parents because they didn't have any bank accounts and only carried cash. ha! The 90's! I just really want to be on my way with my life.. it's so stagnant, and the only thing I need to make it all happen is to get my shit together with my money! Eliminate cc's and pay off my car and I am set! (maybe even get a job in westchester and get paid more... but it's not about me.. and what is best for ME in this relationship) rrrrrrrrr

I know, I have to stop being such a debbie downer.... I'm trying... blogspot, you're my only release for all this negativity... I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad :(

moving on

There are so many amazing things going on in my life... I've decided not to waste one more minute hating, or even thinking about, my mother. Instead, here's what has been making me happy these days:

• basketball league that I'm not really playing in, but keeping time and score. Making lots of friends and having a good time joking and getting to know new people.
• work is alright. kids are funny sometimes.
• I've been able to work out consistently, which has greatly improved my moods.
• Ray.
• Meatball and Harley are starting to seriously love each other. Today, Harley was sleeping on my lap, and along comes Meaty. He plops on my chest and the two of them snuggle with me, and eachother, in perfect harmony. What else could a kitty mommy want?!
• This weekend I am going to Riverhead to visit my aunt while she is still out there. We're doing a wine tour on Saturday and going to a wedding together on Sunday. All in all, it's going to be a great weekend with family that I never get the chance to see!
• The weekend after that is our annual camping trip. M and V are joining the usual Sell family crew. I'm really really excited about this!!
• SCHOOL IS NEARLY OVER!!!!!
• I'm living in Costa Rica for a month this summer. seriously.
• My sister is having a baby in December, and is due on my birthday. I'M GONNA BE AN AUNTIE!! aaaannnndddd, my weenie is going to be a mommy!!!!! holy crap.
• Book club has had me reading a lot of interesting things. Has me thinking.

So, there's a lot to be happy about. A lot of good things to write about. More goodness to come.

ramblerambleramblerrrrrrrrr

I spent the day in the company of one of my oldest friends. It always amazes me that we've spent so much time apart, but always seem so at ease when we finally reunite. She makes me feel comfortable being myself. She is one of the few people that really know me as myself. It's just plain easy around her. As an added bonus, I spent the day with her amazing family as well. The Delawder's just plain make me happy. They're disfunctional as any family, but they have always felt like my second family. It made me feel really good that things were so natural with them again today, after so many years.

I guess it just feels great to be around people that have known you for almost 20 years; who know your strengths and flaws as well as you know them yourself. They're people who make you feel like you're loved and part of the family, no matter how many years have passed.

Today made me want to move closer to my own family (with the major exception of my mother) My sister is expecting her first baby, which is to be due on MY birthday!! I am already getting jealous that Josh's sisters are going to see the baby much more than I possibly can, living in Brooklyn. Needless to say, I spent about an hour today looking at houses in Rockland (the farthest from the city that I would be willing to move), just to be closer to my sister and loved ones.

I really hate that the ONLY reason I do not want to move upstate is my mother. I absolutely can not stand her. I don't want to share any part of my life with her, ever. I know, it sounds harsh... but it's how I feel. She has been nothing but a negative person in my life since I was about 11 years old. I hardly remember what she was like when she wasn't a fucking mess of a person. It's been almost 15 whole fucking years since she's stopped being a mother to me. I guess I feel a lot of resentment and hatred towards her for it. Mostly, though, I feel hatred towards her because she refuses to acknowledge that she absolutely SUCKED as a mother for most of my formative years. She's done nothing but put me down and compare herself and everyone else to me, to show me how I just don't measure up. In her eyes, I am never going to be good enough. Nothing will be. I've completely given up. It's not worth it.

No matter how much time and energy I put into building a relationship with her, she will ALWAYS find a reason to bitch about me. So not worth it. Especially when I have people in my life that are mother-like to me. Ray's mom is absolutely amazing and would do anything for me. She calls me not only to talk about her life, and what's going on with her family, but to talk to me about ME. Imagine that?!!?! You know, sometimes my mom realizes (when not fucked up) that I am quiet because I have nothing left to say about her pathetic existence, and obviously I haven't talked about my life because she doesn't ever listen to what I am saying, and she actually asks me about what is going on with me. My answer, every, single, time: NOTHING. By that, I mean, "nothing that I care to share with someone like you" She'll just turn it into something about her anyway, so what's the point.

More and more, I think I need to revise that letter and send it. The fucking bitch needs to know how she makes me, her daughter, feel, constantly.

___________________________________________

Okay, letting go of that feeling....

___________________________________________

Ray and I are doing very very very well. No major complaints, and nothing really worthg discussing here, good or bad.

Harry Potter III is on tv right now. I lost this dvd somehow. I have to watch it while I can! haha.