cha cha changes

I am changing the purpose of this blog. Instead of updating my non-existant readers about my day to day life, I am going to be using it to record my thoughts and feelings about the world around me. I think maybe then I will post more often? Maybe not. But it's worth a shot, right? Right.

The situation with my parents (my make believe readers, my parents sold their house for a lot less than they could have gotten for it, and are living in separate apartments) has made me really cynical about marriage and love. I know that I am in a great relationship and that Ray loves me unconditionally. I KNOW this. Still, when friends of mine tell me about their engagements and weddings and children, I can't help but think "why the hell are you happy about this? What is the point of getting married?" Why does everyone want to rush into such a doomed government ordained institution? WHY? Is it because you love someone? Are you afraid that if you don't say "I do", he'll find someone better? Or even worse, that YOU'LL find someone better?? I just have a hard time believing in it all. How can you be so sure that you are meant to be with someone for the rest of your life, and just let it all go to hell? How can you give up on someone you are supposed to love? I guess it's not so much the idea of marriage, but the bright eyed blushing bride that thinks that marriage is just a wedding and that they'll live happily ever after. I think I'm afraid that I'll get married and he'll give up on me the way my parents gave up on each other a long time before they even separated. If that's the case, then what's the point?

I've spent a lot more time this past month thinking about myself and not thinking about my family. I joined weightwatchers and lost 12 pounds in a month. I haven't been able to exercise because of my knee, which I still havent gotten an MRI of. Maybe I haven't really been taking great care of myself after all? Still 12 pounds is pretty significant.

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