letter to mother

I've been contemplating how to handle the tense situation with my mom. I wrote this letter with every intention of sending it, but I don't think I'm ready. I don't know if it says it all. I don't know if I could say it all.

Dear Mom,

I am writing because I don't know how else to tell you this. Whenever I share how I feel, you get upset with me and wind up throwing a tantrum and hanging up on me. I guess I'm writing to tell you that I will no longer tolerate my own mother acting like this toward me.

You're probably thinking that all of us kids have "turned against you", and that it's all dad's fault. That couldn't be further from the truth. When everything went down in August, I tried so hard to be there for EVERYONE, especially you. After a while though, I had to step back and start taking care of myself. This whole thing has really taken its toll on me, and I can no longer ignore this for your sake, even though I tried to do this back in the fall. I know you have noticed that I have not come around to visit you at all. Just being around you makes my skin crawl. I want to shake you and scream at you to snap the fuck out of it. I want my mother back, and she is being held hostage by this sad, pill-popping, unhealthy, unmotivated person. This is not the mom that I know, and I don't want to have anything to do with this person.

I don't know if you notice this at all, but you rarely ask me about MY life. When I do share something, either happy or sad, you always make me feel bad. If I tell you good news, you say "it must be nice..." in that "woe is me" tone. If I share some sad news, you make it into a contest. You always have to try to one up me in the misery game. Meanwhile, all I want is for you to give some words of comfort and understanding. I want to feel like my mother is actually listening to me and trying to understand the person I have become.

I guess I'm writing to tell you that i am at the end of my rope with our relationship. It is unhealthy, and you make me feel very unhappy whenever I talk to you. For my own happiness, I have decided that I can not have you in my life unless you are willing to help yourself. This entails the following:

- start talking to a therapist, regularly.
- finding a way to spend your time outside of work being productive and happy. Not wallowing in what could have been.
- STOP SHIT TALKING MY FATHER.
- Stop turning to pain killers to ease your pain. It just pushes us all away even more. I know Nanny and your family have lived a life of secrets, afraid to admit that anyone has a problem or has done anything wrong, but I refuse to do this anymore. When I call, I can tell immediately whether or not you're fucked up on pain killers. The next day it is reconfirmed when you can not recall any details of our prior conversation, and I find myself repeating myself, only to have you overreact AGAIN. You need to get help. NOW.

I know this letter is going to make you sad. I TAKE ABSOLUTELY NO BLAME IN THIS. Everything I have written is the honest truth. If you can not face this, then that is on you, not me.

So, the ball is in your court. Either you want to make a change to be happy and have a healthy relationship with your children... or you can settle for a phone call on holidays from me. Your call.

winding down

I finally have a moment to myself. Finally. I spent my Saturday morning tutoring 7 of my students for the upcoming state exam. Luckily, the kids that showed up were not major pains in the asses. I was entertained and the three hours flew by.

I re-injured my knew on Wednesday in a basketball game against our varsity girls team. I went up for a rebound at the same time as a much stronger and larger 16 year old, got nudged, and landed the wrong way, twisting my knee. I was so embarassed. A bunch of my students were there to watch and heckle. They were really concerned when I fell (two of them came down on to the court to make sure I was okay!) Still, it made me realize that my body is no longer 16 years old. I have a bad knee and I don't have the endurance to last 32 minutes in a basketball game.

GOOD NEWS! I paid for my flight and trip to Costa Rica this summer. I leave July 24th and come back August 17th! I'll be building houses in San Ramon for the first two weeks, then travelling to two different national parks with Ray for the rest of the time there. I can't wait!!!