when did i get so old?

I've been fighting off a nasty cold for about a week and 1/2 now. Whenever I have a moment to rest, it gets the best of me and I crash. I spent pretty much my whole weekend sniffin nose spray and chillin on sudafed. I had off yesterday, and had every intention of going to the gym and trying to get some sort of routine going, but no, my cold won again. I slept pretty much all day. Then today, because of my excessive sleeping, my lower back is a sorts of tight and painful. The only way my lower back feels good is if I am sitting up indian style... which would be great if my left knee actually bent. O.L.D.

I'm feeling much better about Ray and I this past week. He spent a couple of hours comforting me a few nights ago when we both know he has a lot of work that he should have been doing for Miami. It's been really hard to deal with what has been going on with my family. I'm so sick of dealing with them all. I'm tired of being bombarded with neurotic negativity everytime my phone rings. Seriously, every single time my phone rings, I feel nothing but anxiety and resentment. A good day ruined by a single reminder of the reality of my family. This anxiety and sour mood has been spilling over into my work life. I'm just so tired and worn down and feeling like no one has my back. Well, in theory they do, but in reality, their hands are just as tied as mine. You can't choose the students you teach, but you can choose to approach each day with a positive attitude. Some days it's just harder than others.


When I'm sitting alone in a laundromat, I find myself thinking "Is this what I am?"

I've been feeling like the only thing I am good for is laundry, dinner, paying bills and cleaning. I wish I was with someone who had the time to pay attention to me. I am getting tired of coming home, doing MORE work, doing work around the apartment, making dinner and falling asleep alone. Or worse, falling asleep on the couch due to the lack of intellectual stimulation.

I'm reading a book called "the years of abandonment" It's strange how much this book speaks to me. Although I am in a relationship, and he has not left me, I see myself in Olga - the internal rage and resentment she feels towards her unfaithful husband. Her need to stop and think about all that she does, even the things that seem routine. Maybe this is how most women feel while going through a traumatic situation. My things that have gone on in my family have made me believe that love does not really exist - at least not in the way I want it to. Sometimes I feel like I will never enjoy the things in life that a woman always dreams of enjoying. The idea of marriage and children makes me cringe. Yet, the thought that Ray would actually think of ME as the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with is comforting and exciting. It sets that spark inside of me - maybe love isn't dead?

Then I think of folding laundry, cleaning, cooking, paying bills night after unsatisfying night for the rest of my life - what is the point? Is this what I want for myself? Do I want to spend the rest of my life as a full time working house-girlfriend? Is my time not so valuable?

It's almost 6:30 and I should get the laundry folded and start dinner. ugh.


I just voted for Obama. It felt good. There wasn't a line (thank god for getting out of work at 2:30) There was a line this morning - glad I put it off!