synopsis

Tis the season for me to freak out.

Mom has been calling NON STOP. First she is sad because she's fighting with Jimmy. Then she's depressed because she isn't spending Christmas in her house for the first time in 42 years. Then she's mad because she was "left out" of my Birthday plans with my father.

This put me over the edge. Not once in five years has she wanted to visit me in the city on my birthday. The few times she has made plans to see me, she has cancelled because it was too cold, or she was having personal problems and just couldn't bear the 80 minute trek to nyc. I yelled and cursed and didn't feel bad. I'm tired of feeling bad for her. I hold back my own feelings to protect her, but I am starting to think that it has been hurting her more than helping. From now on, it's brutal honesty. If she doesn't like it, then maybe she'll have some motivation to change it.

Other than the issues with my mother, life is pretty damn good. I just spent 5 days in Miami with Ray, Merrill, Victor, Rachel and Nick. Definitely the best five days ever. I had so much fun. I forgot about my problems for a long weekend and just enjoyed the sunshine and laughter. I have to admit though, I was feeling like a bit of a fatty. My friends are both so beautiful, sometimes I think I can't even compare. In my head, I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help but feel self-concious when sitting on the beach next to them. Still, I really enjoyed their company.

School is going very well. I feel like I'm making a lot of progress with the students. Yesterday I brought in homemade chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies as a reward for putting up with the nauseating amount of testing that they're being put through. They loved it. They were begging for more and raving that these were the "best cookies I've ever had!" So cute.

Today I am spending the day at the Pallisades Mall with Jimmy and Lauren. It should be a nice time. I'll get lots of xmas shopping done and get to celebrate my birthday with my brother. He originally was supposed to come down on the 20th, but he has to go to an engagement party that night. (who the fuck is getting engaged?!)

I have to admit... the idea of getting married is seeming less and less frightening. Maybe one day.

when did i get so old?

I've been fighting off a nasty cold for about a week and 1/2 now. Whenever I have a moment to rest, it gets the best of me and I crash. I spent pretty much my whole weekend sniffin nose spray and chillin on sudafed. I had off yesterday, and had every intention of going to the gym and trying to get some sort of routine going, but no, my cold won again. I slept pretty much all day. Then today, because of my excessive sleeping, my lower back is a sorts of tight and painful. The only way my lower back feels good is if I am sitting up indian style... which would be great if my left knee actually bent. O.L.D.

I'm feeling much better about Ray and I this past week. He spent a couple of hours comforting me a few nights ago when we both know he has a lot of work that he should have been doing for Miami. It's been really hard to deal with what has been going on with my family. I'm so sick of dealing with them all. I'm tired of being bombarded with neurotic negativity everytime my phone rings. Seriously, every single time my phone rings, I feel nothing but anxiety and resentment. A good day ruined by a single reminder of the reality of my family. This anxiety and sour mood has been spilling over into my work life. I'm just so tired and worn down and feeling like no one has my back. Well, in theory they do, but in reality, their hands are just as tied as mine. You can't choose the students you teach, but you can choose to approach each day with a positive attitude. Some days it's just harder than others.

When I'm sitting alone in a laundromat, I find myself thinking "Is this what I am?"

I've been feeling like the only thing I am good for is laundry, dinner, paying bills and cleaning. I wish I was with someone who had the time to pay attention to me. I am getting tired of coming home, doing MORE work, doing work around the apartment, making dinner and falling asleep alone. Or worse, falling asleep on the couch due to the lack of intellectual stimulation.

I'm reading a book called "the years of abandonment" It's strange how much this book speaks to me. Although I am in a relationship, and he has not left me, I see myself in Olga - the internal rage and resentment she feels towards her unfaithful husband. Her need to stop and think about all that she does, even the things that seem routine. Maybe this is how most women feel while going through a traumatic situation. My things that have gone on in my family have made me believe that love does not really exist - at least not in the way I want it to. Sometimes I feel like I will never enjoy the things in life that a woman always dreams of enjoying. The idea of marriage and children makes me cringe. Yet, the thought that Ray would actually think of ME as the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with is comforting and exciting. It sets that spark inside of me - maybe love isn't dead?

Then I think of folding laundry, cleaning, cooking, paying bills night after unsatisfying night for the rest of my life - what is the point? Is this what I want for myself? Do I want to spend the rest of my life as a full time working house-girlfriend? Is my time not so valuable?

It's almost 6:30 and I should get the laundry folded and start dinner. ugh.