I spent the day in the company of one of my oldest friends. It always amazes me that we've spent so much time apart, but always seem so at ease when we finally reunite. She makes me feel comfortable being myself. She is one of the few people that really know me as myself. It's just plain easy around her. As an added bonus, I spent the day with her amazing family as well. The Delawder's just plain make me happy. They're disfunctional as any family, but they have always felt like my second family. It made me feel really good that things were so natural with them again today, after so many years.

I guess it just feels great to be around people that have known you for almost 20 years; who know your strengths and flaws as well as you know them yourself. They're people who make you feel like you're loved and part of the family, no matter how many years have passed.

Today made me want to move closer to my own family (with the major exception of my mother) My sister is expecting her first baby, which is to be due on MY birthday!! I am already getting jealous that Josh's sisters are going to see the baby much more than I possibly can, living in Brooklyn. Needless to say, I spent about an hour today looking at houses in Rockland (the farthest from the city that I would be willing to move), just to be closer to my sister and loved ones.

I really hate that the ONLY reason I do not want to move upstate is my mother. I absolutely can not stand her. I don't want to share any part of my life with her, ever. I know, it sounds harsh... but it's how I feel. She has been nothing but a negative person in my life since I was about 11 years old. I hardly remember what she was like when she wasn't a fucking mess of a person. It's been almost 15 whole fucking years since she's stopped being a mother to me. I guess I feel a lot of resentment and hatred towards her for it. Mostly, though, I feel hatred towards her because she refuses to acknowledge that she absolutely SUCKED as a mother for most of my formative years. She's done nothing but put me down and compare herself and everyone else to me, to show me how I just don't measure up. In her eyes, I am never going to be good enough. Nothing will be. I've completely given up. It's not worth it.

No matter how much time and energy I put into building a relationship with her, she will ALWAYS find a reason to bitch about me. So not worth it. Especially when I have people in my life that are mother-like to me. Ray's mom is absolutely amazing and would do anything for me. She calls me not only to talk about her life, and what's going on with her family, but to talk to me about ME. Imagine that?!!?! You know, sometimes my mom realizes (when not fucked up) that I am quiet because I have nothing left to say about her pathetic existence, and obviously I haven't talked about my life because she doesn't ever listen to what I am saying, and she actually asks me about what is going on with me. My answer, every, single, time: NOTHING. By that, I mean, "nothing that I care to share with someone like you" She'll just turn it into something about her anyway, so what's the point.

More and more, I think I need to revise that letter and send it. The fucking bitch needs to know how she makes me, her daughter, feel, constantly.


Okay, letting go of that feeling....


Ray and I are doing very very very well. No major complaints, and nothing really worthg discussing here, good or bad.

Harry Potter III is on tv right now. I lost this dvd somehow. I have to watch it while I can! haha.

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