I was feeling contemplative yesterday after work. Just in one of those moods where I felt like stopping to take stock of where I am these days. I walked slowly in the wild winds, humming along to Robert Blake, sipping a hot cup of coffee. The unseasonably warm breeze felt soft on my face, despite its velocity.
I show up to Nick's show 30 minutes later than I had planned. So many people that I haven't seen in quite a while. It was as if I was in slow motion. My conversations were blurred. My mind was still drifting, wondering what my life could have been. All of the decisions, small and big, that have brought me to today. Would I have been the same person if I had not chosen to see the Juliana Theory in January 2001? I think so.
I thought a lot about what makes me attractive to someone else. Is it the way my hips move beneath my jeans? Is it the bodacious mams? (haha) Is it just the vibe that I give? I've been with someone for over four years, and I still don't know what it is that drives him crazy about me. Sometimes I think that there is no answer to that question. Sometimes I think that he loves me because I love him. It's easy for him. It's not that I don't believe that I am attractive; it's just that I doubt Ray's attraction.
What deepened this feeling througout the night was our lack of communication. The entire show, we hopped separately from group to group, catching up with some good friends. I hardly said more than two words to him the entire time we were there. Towards the end of the night, I come out of the bathroom to see him chatting up a really attractive girl. Her body language threw me off. He was leaning in and talking, seemingly extremely interested in whatever it was she had to say. I walk by once... twice... three times. He doesn't even look up. I tap him on the shoulder and ask if we're going to be leaving soon. He says yes, ignores me, then continues talking to this random chick without even introducing me. what. the. fuck.
Needless to say, I was furious. No, "furious" doesn't quite capture it. I was hurt, embarassed, humiliated, enraged. I wanted to rip his balls off and throw them against a wall. (not literally). After trying to defend himself, he finally apologized (also after I told him that he should have apologized first thing) .
Besides this, things have actually been really good with Ray and I. I stopped taking birth control and I am feeling much more comfortable sexually. It no longer hurts, and I have a crazy sex drive. Too bad he doesn't. I always had it in my head that it was all my fault. We never have sex because my body doesn't cooperate. Now that my body likes me again, I am starting to question whether Ray's body likes me too.
Ray and I had a really long talk about what I want in my life. I told him that I really want to work / volunteer somewhere Spanish - Speaking. He offered to pay for a trip for me if I find one that is within reason. I found a trip to San Ramon, Costa Rica for two weeks building houses. It's pretty cheap and includes all food and transportation. I am so excited. The deposit has been paid and all of the paper work is in. SO FUCKING EXCITED.
July 24th - August 17th , I will be in Costa Rica. Boo. Yeah.