cha cha changes

I am changing the purpose of this blog. Instead of updating my non-existant readers about my day to day life, I am going to be using it to record my thoughts and feelings about the world around me. I think maybe then I will post more often? Maybe not. But it's worth a shot, right? Right.

The situation with my parents (my make believe readers, my parents sold their house for a lot less than they could have gotten for it, and are living in separate apartments) has made me really cynical about marriage and love. I know that I am in a great relationship and that Ray loves me unconditionally. I KNOW this. Still, when friends of mine tell me about their engagements and weddings and children, I can't help but think "why the hell are you happy about this? What is the point of getting married?" Why does everyone want to rush into such a doomed government ordained institution? WHY? Is it because you love someone? Are you afraid that if you don't say "I do", he'll find someone better? Or even worse, that YOU'LL find someone better?? I just have a hard time believing in it all. How can you be so sure that you are meant to be with someone for the rest of your life, and just let it all go to hell? How can you give up on someone you are supposed to love? I guess it's not so much the idea of marriage, but the bright eyed blushing bride that thinks that marriage is just a wedding and that they'll live happily ever after. I think I'm afraid that I'll get married and he'll give up on me the way my parents gave up on each other a long time before they even separated. If that's the case, then what's the point?

I've spent a lot more time this past month thinking about myself and not thinking about my family. I joined weightwatchers and lost 12 pounds in a month. I haven't been able to exercise because of my knee, which I still havent gotten an MRI of. Maybe I haven't really been taking great care of myself after all? Still 12 pounds is pretty significant.

I haven't written in some time. I doubt that anyone reads this thing anymore. That makes it almost better, and a little easier to write what I am really feeling.

It's as if my life is a constant count-down. Hey, at least I have somethings to look forward to? I wonder how people that work 9-5 jobs ALL year make it through the year. I guess they must really like what they do, or maybe they are just settled into their routines. This past week I've been thinking more and more about what I WANT to do with my life. I don't want to have this constant countdown going on. More and more I feel that I need to live life with a bit more adventure and spontenaeity. I've spent this past week behind a computer screen, watching tv and movies, and hardly experiencing all that life in NYC has to offer. More and more, I don't think that I am a teacher.

This scares me.

happy holidays

The holiday season has every child at school acting crazy. Some are depressed and angry, while others are so excited and rambunctious that they can not sit still or stop talking for even a minute. Needless to say, I've had to hand out a few more detentions than normal, and I have received abnormal responses from the kids. Some cry. Some curse at me and storm out of the classroom, and teh others don't seemed bothered and usually don't even bother to show up.

I forgot how hard the holiday season can be for children who know that they are not getting much. Hearing their friends talk about everything they want and what they are getting can be really bothersome when you don't have much to contribute to that type of conversation. There have been numerous thefts at my school this past week or so. Two teachers' wallets, a blackberry, money, lockers being broken into, etc. I have had to give the "lock everything and make sure your valuables are secure" speech all too many times. I also find myself telling them that sometimes people get desperate around the holidays and that they just want to have something to give to someone, or have something for themselves that they can not get from "santa", and that while some of you may be angry that you do not feel safe in this room, that we should feel sad for people that feel like they need to do this. Surprisingly, my students were very mature about it all, and agreed with me without argument (rare thing!).

All of this makes me want to do something really nice for my students. Even after a day like today; no one listening, people breaking our rules left and right, cursing at me, not doing homework, not even attempting classwork, etc., I still want to do give them something to look forward to. I am thinking that I'll have an Exam on Wednesday, and a party on Thursday. Something fun, light-hearted, and somewhat educational.

This year, I am really looking forward to xmas. For the first time ever, I have some money, and I bought everyone a cool gift that is unexpected and probably a bit more than I should have done. It feels good though. I can't wait to see Ray's face, and Jimmy's face, and Dad's and Mom's, and.. well, everyones! I especially love spending xmas morning at Ray's parents. I don't know what it is, but his family just seems so happy xmas morning. I love that his mom cries whenever someone gives her a nice gift! She's the best!!!

Anyway, if you've read this far, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. And, If you're a teacher, enjoy the well-deserved time off!!!