I've been really trying to focus on the positive... REALLY REALLY. But, somehow, things get blurred and all I see is the dark spots in my life.

Monday, I had a total break down after dropping a piping hot batch of cupcakes all over the floor and burning my hand pretty badly. I cried for about an hour and completely destroyed my room looking for neosporin.

I get to the point that I am boiling over and the littlest thing can set it off. Like failing to make cupcakes for a little girl that so deserves everything (and has nothing). There has also been this crazy tension between Ray and I. It feels like he is jealous that I have time to spend the weekend with my aunt and cousins in long island, going to the beach and drinking wine. While I'm upset that I am at most second on the list whenever he has an art show coming up, which is more than 3 times a year. I am very supportive, but it's getting excessive and I'm starting to wonder if this is the life that I want for myself. Do I want to be with someone that is so concentrated on himself that he has no time or thought left for me? Granted, this is not an all the time thing... only about two thirds.

I think that Ray might be wondering if this relationship is really what he wants. He's been communicating with Johanna via facebook. He seems to only do this when things aren't great between us. It's as though he is seeking a kind of approval from her, that he is awesome and that she fucked up when she cheated on him (all 1000 times, dirtbag). This may not be the case... I might be giving Ray a little too much credit here (if he doesnt have time to think about me and our relationship, I doubt he has enough time to actualy think about his motives for contacting her). It's not as though I believe that Ray will cheat on me... I just think that if things were great between us, that he wouldn't want to even contact her. I would be giving him all that he needs as his girlfriend.

you know what... fuck that. I do give him all that he needs and MORE. fuck that.

It's been eating away at me... and he won't give me a minute to even talk about it. We've made and broken more sex dates than I can count. It's getting ridiculous.

Anyway, the other thing that really made me break down the other day is the feeling that I am not where I should be financially. It's really no wonder with the parents that I have that I have problems with money and trust... seriously, yikes! I am slowly... very slowly... paying off my credit cards, but still so so so broke! I almost had to put things back at the grocery store today! haha.. I used to get so embarassed when that would happen to my parents because they didn't have any bank accounts and only carried cash. ha! The 90's! I just really want to be on my way with my life.. it's so stagnant, and the only thing I need to make it all happen is to get my shit together with my money! Eliminate cc's and pay off my car and I am set! (maybe even get a job in westchester and get paid more... but it's not about me.. and what is best for ME in this relationship) rrrrrrrrr

I know, I have to stop being such a debbie downer.... I'm trying... blogspot, you're my only release for all this negativity... I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad :(