Life is stuck in a standstill. I'm teetering on the edge of things. Somehow I've caught my balance and wound up standing on the edge for a bit too long and I'm tired of it. Progress and change are essential to who I am. I don't do well with the same old routine for too long. It's been TOO long. Five years of little to no change... little progress... But I'm not sure what the next move is. Do I move to a new apartment? A new city? A new cabin in the woods? What would be best for me? How can I make any decisions when Ray is so comfortable with the way things are? He says that if i just go for it and say "I'm moving here.. I'm doing THIS", he'll go along with it. I would rather we make these kind of decisions together. I want to take risks and make changes TOGETHER... not because I say I want to do it, but because we BOTH want it. I wouldn't be happy if I made a decision (like moving out of the city) and he followed and hated his life because of it.

All I know is that I need to make things happen for myself and stop waiting around for others to do it for me. Life's too short to stand around doing nothing.

pura vida

I´m starting my second week of costa rica. There is so much to write, that I hardly know where to begin.

At first, I missed home a lot. All I could think of was that I missed Ray and my kitties, and even just being in Brooklyn. It made things a lot harder to deal with here. Eventually, I got used to the idea of sleeping alone and only talking via skype, and everything got a lot easier. Not to say that I miss home and Ray any less, just that it´s gotten much easier to deal with.

I didn´t think that i would really experience any real culture shock. Everything I read about CR made me think that it was very Americanized and that it would be a very easy adjustment. That may be true for some people that only visit the touristy places like Montezuma and Manuel Antonio, but it is not true for the more rural parts like San Ramon and Palmares. The pace of life is slower and easier. Life here is peaceful. Living here for this short week so far has made me slow myself down and take it all in. Two of their favorite phrases are ´pura vida´and ´tranquila´, which basically translate to pure life and take it easy. Pure life, in essence, is enjoying and savoring the simple things in life that make us happy and peaceful. Tranquila means to take it easy... no worries. Often people greet you with ´pura vida´.

Everything has been so exciting and new... It makes me never want to leave...

so much to do

before i leave for a month.

I'm getting nervous about leaving home for so long. A whole month. A MONTH.

There are so many people I want to see. So much I want to do. So much I NEED to do.

I don't even know where to begin.

Year 3

Third year is coming to a close. Only 1.5 hours left until I am done with my third year of teaching. This year has been easier than the last two, but has had it's own unique challenges. I have never had a class that is as loud, but as motivated at 704. This year's 705 was much better than last years (with the exception of crazies like wesley, antonio, and xavier... all of which I love, in a way). 706... oh dear god. Who would think that a class with 7 boys in it would be so challenging. The only way I could teach them was if I was at their table, doing each problem with them. There were some days i just threw in the towel and ignored their perverted conversations.

All in all, I would say that this year has been a success. I know what to do different next year, curriculum-wise as well as management-wise. The kids next year are guaranteed to be more difficult than any year prior, but I think i am more prepared to handle their craziness.

So.. summer begins. The first summer I will spend without actually working! Expect to find me at the park, beach and my back yard A LOT. Then off to costa rica!!! S O E X C I T E D.

Only one more week....

Six days to be exact. Six more six a.m. mornings. Six more first period classes. Six more. That's all. six.

Weeks one through four of summer vacation may be spent in one of two possible ways. Either Ray's boss hires me for those few weeks to help out around the office, or I do absolutely nothing. If I don' t end up having a 9 -5, I am going to help Ray set up his gallery show by making and engine pillows, and hanging up wood panelling. I'll probably also get some planters and a new bench for the yard. Don't tell Ray, but I am kind of hoping that I don' t get any work for those few weeks.

The following four weeks (from July 24 - August 17) will be spent in Costa Rica. It's the longest I have ever been away from home. Ray and I have never been apart for more than five days... now we're going to apart for an entire two weeks! eek! I'm excited about it.

So, pretty much, my entire summer is planned out. I'll have the occasional weekend that I will be able to spend with friends, but mostly, I'll be busy.

I've been really trying to focus on the positive... REALLY REALLY. But, somehow, things get blurred and all I see is the dark spots in my life.

Monday, I had a total break down after dropping a piping hot batch of cupcakes all over the floor and burning my hand pretty badly. I cried for about an hour and completely destroyed my room looking for neosporin.

I get to the point that I am boiling over and the littlest thing can set it off. Like failing to make cupcakes for a little girl that so deserves everything (and has nothing). There has also been this crazy tension between Ray and I. It feels like he is jealous that I have time to spend the weekend with my aunt and cousins in long island, going to the beach and drinking wine. While I'm upset that I am at most second on the list whenever he has an art show coming up, which is more than 3 times a year. I am very supportive, but it's getting excessive and I'm starting to wonder if this is the life that I want for myself. Do I want to be with someone that is so concentrated on himself that he has no time or thought left for me? Granted, this is not an all the time thing... only about two thirds.

I think that Ray might be wondering if this relationship is really what he wants. He's been communicating with Johanna via facebook. He seems to only do this when things aren't great between us. It's as though he is seeking a kind of approval from her, that he is awesome and that she fucked up when she cheated on him (all 1000 times, dirtbag). This may not be the case... I might be giving Ray a little too much credit here (if he doesnt have time to think about me and our relationship, I doubt he has enough time to actualy think about his motives for contacting her). It's not as though I believe that Ray will cheat on me... I just think that if things were great between us, that he wouldn't want to even contact her. I would be giving him all that he needs as his girlfriend.

you know what... fuck that. I do give him all that he needs and MORE. fuck that.

It's been eating away at me... and he won't give me a minute to even talk about it. We've made and broken more sex dates than I can count. It's getting ridiculous.

Anyway, the other thing that really made me break down the other day is the feeling that I am not where I should be financially. It's really no wonder with the parents that I have that I have problems with money and trust... seriously, yikes! I am slowly... very slowly... paying off my credit cards, but still so so so broke! I almost had to put things back at the grocery store today! haha.. I used to get so embarassed when that would happen to my parents because they didn't have any bank accounts and only carried cash. ha! The 90's! I just really want to be on my way with my life.. it's so stagnant, and the only thing I need to make it all happen is to get my shit together with my money! Eliminate cc's and pay off my car and I am set! (maybe even get a job in westchester and get paid more... but it's not about me.. and what is best for ME in this relationship) rrrrrrrrr

I know, I have to stop being such a debbie downer.... I'm trying... blogspot, you're my only release for all this negativity... I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad :(

moving on

There are so many amazing things going on in my life... I've decided not to waste one more minute hating, or even thinking about, my mother. Instead, here's what has been making me happy these days:

• basketball league that I'm not really playing in, but keeping time and score. Making lots of friends and having a good time joking and getting to know new people.
• work is alright. kids are funny sometimes.
• I've been able to work out consistently, which has greatly improved my moods.
• Ray.
• Meatball and Harley are starting to seriously love each other. Today, Harley was sleeping on my lap, and along comes Meaty. He plops on my chest and the two of them snuggle with me, and eachother, in perfect harmony. What else could a kitty mommy want?!
• This weekend I am going to Riverhead to visit my aunt while she is still out there. We're doing a wine tour on Saturday and going to a wedding together on Sunday. All in all, it's going to be a great weekend with family that I never get the chance to see!
• The weekend after that is our annual camping trip. M and V are joining the usual Sell family crew. I'm really really excited about this!!
• SCHOOL IS NEARLY OVER!!!!!
• I'm living in Costa Rica for a month this summer. seriously.
• My sister is having a baby in December, and is due on my birthday. I'M GONNA BE AN AUNTIE!! aaaannnndddd, my weenie is going to be a mommy!!!!! holy crap.
• Book club has had me reading a lot of interesting things. Has me thinking.

So, there's a lot to be happy about. A lot of good things to write about. More goodness to come.

ramblerambleramblerrrrrrrrr

I spent the day in the company of one of my oldest friends. It always amazes me that we've spent so much time apart, but always seem so at ease when we finally reunite. She makes me feel comfortable being myself. She is one of the few people that really know me as myself. It's just plain easy around her. As an added bonus, I spent the day with her amazing family as well. The Delawder's just plain make me happy. They're disfunctional as any family, but they have always felt like my second family. It made me feel really good that things were so natural with them again today, after so many years.

I guess it just feels great to be around people that have known you for almost 20 years; who know your strengths and flaws as well as you know them yourself. They're people who make you feel like you're loved and part of the family, no matter how many years have passed.

Today made me want to move closer to my own family (with the major exception of my mother) My sister is expecting her first baby, which is to be due on MY birthday!! I am already getting jealous that Josh's sisters are going to see the baby much more than I possibly can, living in Brooklyn. Needless to say, I spent about an hour today looking at houses in Rockland (the farthest from the city that I would be willing to move), just to be closer to my sister and loved ones.

I really hate that the ONLY reason I do not want to move upstate is my mother. I absolutely can not stand her. I don't want to share any part of my life with her, ever. I know, it sounds harsh... but it's how I feel. She has been nothing but a negative person in my life since I was about 11 years old. I hardly remember what she was like when she wasn't a fucking mess of a person. It's been almost 15 whole fucking years since she's stopped being a mother to me. I guess I feel a lot of resentment and hatred towards her for it. Mostly, though, I feel hatred towards her because she refuses to acknowledge that she absolutely SUCKED as a mother for most of my formative years. She's done nothing but put me down and compare herself and everyone else to me, to show me how I just don't measure up. In her eyes, I am never going to be good enough. Nothing will be. I've completely given up. It's not worth it.

No matter how much time and energy I put into building a relationship with her, she will ALWAYS find a reason to bitch about me. So not worth it. Especially when I have people in my life that are mother-like to me. Ray's mom is absolutely amazing and would do anything for me. She calls me not only to talk about her life, and what's going on with her family, but to talk to me about ME. Imagine that?!!?! You know, sometimes my mom realizes (when not fucked up) that I am quiet because I have nothing left to say about her pathetic existence, and obviously I haven't talked about my life because she doesn't ever listen to what I am saying, and she actually asks me about what is going on with me. My answer, every, single, time: NOTHING. By that, I mean, "nothing that I care to share with someone like you" She'll just turn it into something about her anyway, so what's the point.

More and more, I think I need to revise that letter and send it. The fucking bitch needs to know how she makes me, her daughter, feel, constantly.

___________________________________________

Okay, letting go of that feeling....

___________________________________________

Ray and I are doing very very very well. No major complaints, and nothing really worthg discussing here, good or bad.

Harry Potter III is on tv right now. I lost this dvd somehow. I have to watch it while I can! haha.

busted!

So, I had an MRI on my left knee a few weeks ago. This knee has been nothing but trouble. Ever since 2003, when I foolishly stood outside of the pit at a boy sets fire concert, and some big dude barrelled into me, my knee has never been the same. If I were smart, I would have had an MRi six years ago, and seen that my acl was torn, with less damage to my meniscus. But.. NO. I had to wait six whole years, and three injuries later, to finally concede defeat.

Surgery is going to be August 20th, tentatively. I am going to be out of commission for quite a while, and just might have to miss a few weeks of school. Company and food would be greatly appreciated during these weeks. Any volunteers? Then again, I am going to be FUCKED up on pain meds, drooling, in my underwear, playing zelda.

Speaking of zelda... I had a dream the other night that I had gotten out of surgery and the first thing I did was go home to play some zelda. Only to find out that Ray beat the game while I was in surgery. I confronted Ray, being all like "WHAT THE FUCK!????!" and he was just like ... "yo babe, I was bored. Your surgery took a really long time!"

well, I'm going to try to get out of the house and drink some margaritas in the park for a little while. yay.

letter to mother

I've been contemplating how to handle the tense situation with my mom. I wrote this letter with every intention of sending it, but I don't think I'm ready. I don't know if it says it all. I don't know if I could say it all.

Dear Mom,

I am writing because I don't know how else to tell you this. Whenever I share how I feel, you get upset with me and wind up throwing a tantrum and hanging up on me. I guess I'm writing to tell you that I will no longer tolerate my own mother acting like this toward me.

You're probably thinking that all of us kids have "turned against you", and that it's all dad's fault. That couldn't be further from the truth. When everything went down in August, I tried so hard to be there for EVERYONE, especially you. After a while though, I had to step back and start taking care of myself. This whole thing has really taken its toll on me, and I can no longer ignore this for your sake, even though I tried to do this back in the fall. I know you have noticed that I have not come around to visit you at all. Just being around you makes my skin crawl. I want to shake you and scream at you to snap the fuck out of it. I want my mother back, and she is being held hostage by this sad, pill-popping, unhealthy, unmotivated person. This is not the mom that I know, and I don't want to have anything to do with this person.

I don't know if you notice this at all, but you rarely ask me about MY life. When I do share something, either happy or sad, you always make me feel bad. If I tell you good news, you say "it must be nice..." in that "woe is me" tone. If I share some sad news, you make it into a contest. You always have to try to one up me in the misery game. Meanwhile, all I want is for you to give some words of comfort and understanding. I want to feel like my mother is actually listening to me and trying to understand the person I have become.

I guess I'm writing to tell you that i am at the end of my rope with our relationship. It is unhealthy, and you make me feel very unhappy whenever I talk to you. For my own happiness, I have decided that I can not have you in my life unless you are willing to help yourself. This entails the following:

- start talking to a therapist, regularly.
- finding a way to spend your time outside of work being productive and happy. Not wallowing in what could have been.
- STOP SHIT TALKING MY FATHER.
- Stop turning to pain killers to ease your pain. It just pushes us all away even more. I know Nanny and your family have lived a life of secrets, afraid to admit that anyone has a problem or has done anything wrong, but I refuse to do this anymore. When I call, I can tell immediately whether or not you're fucked up on pain killers. The next day it is reconfirmed when you can not recall any details of our prior conversation, and I find myself repeating myself, only to have you overreact AGAIN. You need to get help. NOW.

I know this letter is going to make you sad. I TAKE ABSOLUTELY NO BLAME IN THIS. Everything I have written is the honest truth. If you can not face this, then that is on you, not me.

So, the ball is in your court. Either you want to make a change to be happy and have a healthy relationship with your children... or you can settle for a phone call on holidays from me. Your call.

winding down

I finally have a moment to myself. Finally. I spent my Saturday morning tutoring 7 of my students for the upcoming state exam. Luckily, the kids that showed up were not major pains in the asses. I was entertained and the three hours flew by.

I re-injured my knew on Wednesday in a basketball game against our varsity girls team. I went up for a rebound at the same time as a much stronger and larger 16 year old, got nudged, and landed the wrong way, twisting my knee. I was so embarassed. A bunch of my students were there to watch and heckle. They were really concerned when I fell (two of them came down on to the court to make sure I was okay!) Still, it made me realize that my body is no longer 16 years old. I have a bad knee and I don't have the endurance to last 32 minutes in a basketball game.

GOOD NEWS! I paid for my flight and trip to Costa Rica this summer. I leave July 24th and come back August 17th! I'll be building houses in San Ramon for the first two weeks, then travelling to two different national parks with Ray for the rest of the time there. I can't wait!!!

Valentines 5

We drove to Philadelphia for a day of romance in a new setting. I don't know what it is, but whenever we're somewhere new, we seem to enjoy each other just a little bit more. It's like the new setting makes us see one another in a different light. It was really an amazing time.

I was feeling contemplative yesterday after work. Just in one of those moods where I felt like stopping to take stock of where I am these days. I walked slowly in the wild winds, humming along to Robert Blake, sipping a hot cup of coffee. The unseasonably warm breeze felt soft on my face, despite its velocity.

I show up to Nick's show 30 minutes later than I had planned. So many people that I haven't seen in quite a while. It was as if I was in slow motion. My conversations were blurred. My mind was still drifting, wondering what my life could have been. All of the decisions, small and big, that have brought me to today. Would I have been the same person if I had not chosen to see the Juliana Theory in January 2001? I think so.

I thought a lot about what makes me attractive to someone else. Is it the way my hips move beneath my jeans? Is it the bodacious mams? (haha) Is it just the vibe that I give? I've been with someone for over four years, and I still don't know what it is that drives him crazy about me. Sometimes I think that there is no answer to that question. Sometimes I think that he loves me because I love him. It's easy for him. It's not that I don't believe that I am attractive; it's just that I doubt Ray's attraction.

What deepened this feeling througout the night was our lack of communication. The entire show, we hopped separately from group to group, catching up with some good friends. I hardly said more than two words to him the entire time we were there. Towards the end of the night, I come out of the bathroom to see him chatting up a really attractive girl. Her body language threw me off. He was leaning in and talking, seemingly extremely interested in whatever it was she had to say. I walk by once... twice... three times. He doesn't even look up. I tap him on the shoulder and ask if we're going to be leaving soon. He says yes, ignores me, then continues talking to this random chick without even introducing me. what. the. fuck.

Needless to say, I was furious. No, "furious" doesn't quite capture it. I was hurt, embarassed, humiliated, enraged. I wanted to rip his balls off and throw them against a wall. (not literally). After trying to defend himself, he finally apologized (also after I told him that he should have apologized first thing) .

______________________________________________________

Besides this, things have actually been really good with Ray and I. I stopped taking birth control and I am feeling much more comfortable sexually. It no longer hurts, and I have a crazy sex drive. Too bad he doesn't. I always had it in my head that it was all my fault. We never have sex because my body doesn't cooperate. Now that my body likes me again, I am starting to question whether Ray's body likes me too.

Ray and I had a really long talk about what I want in my life. I told him that I really want to work / volunteer somewhere Spanish - Speaking. He offered to pay for a trip for me if I find one that is within reason. I found a trip to San Ramon, Costa Rica for two weeks building houses. It's pretty cheap and includes all food and transportation. I am so excited. The deposit has been paid and all of the paper work is in. SO FUCKING EXCITED.

July 24th - August 17th , I will be in Costa Rica. Boo. Yeah.

sleepy ramblings

I haven't been back to Carmel since Christmas - even then I only spent one night there. It is beginning to feel less like home, and more like a place where my parents live. separately. I really wish they would both move on to greener pastures. Live their lives to their fullest. Maybe eventually.

Work has been burning me out. The kids forgot how to behave over xmas break. Then we have state ELA testing... don't get me started. Somehow, the students think that testing means NO WORK in any class. wtf?! I am nice, but there is no way in hell they are going to sit around and do nothing in MY class! NO. FUCKING. WAY.

I am burned the fuck out.

Which is why I've made an appointment for February at the spa. I am going to finally be running into a nice chunk of money, and decided to pay myself first for once. Facial and 90 minute massage, here i come! It's seriously what is getting me through the day right now.

Random: HEY! Top chef people live down the road from me! I know that hideous building!! It gets to burn a hole in my retina daily! yes!

uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm tired.